just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
just apologized to a random stranger while waiting in line for coffee. last night was that drunk
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
Woke up to a huge puddle of water in the living room floor, apparently I made an indoor snowman.
Your a horrible friend, i only tried to do the right thing by moving you off the floor.. that was not an invitation to puke all over my bed and attempt to use my dog to mop it up.
I'm going to try to be reasonable tonight and keep my drink count out of double digits
We definitely need to avoid these "I'm gonna get stabbed if I stay here any longer" partys
These fuzzy pants work great for sleeping, taking an exam, getting baked and watching the hobbit. I guess i'm not changing pants for 72 hours.
He looks like he was the one that always had koolaid stains around his mouth as a kid, he can fuck off.
party tonight. bring as many traffic cones as you can find. we need to section off the blackout drunks way better this time
Don't come up here. Strippers r crying.
Want to come over and dangle your tits on top of me like a skewer?
you walked 30 min all the way back to the dorms at 2am?
i was more bummed that i dropped all my skittles.
I have serious attachment issues. I just realized how long its been since ive smoked out of my bong and I feel guilty for dis owning it this week
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
Randomize
