my facebook friend requests are always from girls of boyfriends i have fucked, facebook is the worst reminder of shame
Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
i feel like god sat there all night pointing and laughing at me
You're the only person i know who can laugh and talk while puking
Hey welcome to Rick's drunk text tree. Rick is drunk right now please respond with "shut up" to remove your name from this list. Thanks for playing.
I'm sitting in the middle of them on his bed, forcing them to watch Brokeback Mountain. I am the best cock blocker ever.
hey did i steal that bike before or after the ball dropped, casue i might have broken my resolution already
she just made some guy spank her... then made some chick take a running start and spank her.
I'm FaceTiming Pizza Hut.
I'm beer bonging chocolate fondue. That's how my Valentines Day is going.
Two big black bouncers picked you up and escorted you to the elevator.
I didn't even do anything wrong. For all they knew I could have been on the US Olympic Gymnastic team. Would they kick Gabby Douglas out of a bar? I don't think so.
I'm not sure... How do you tell someone who was so smashed they couldn't remember shoving their dick into the fireplace that their mother actually witnessed the whole thing?
so in case you needed a ticket for the Hot Mess Express, I'm the conductor now.
Will u make me a "6 month anniversary of being single" cake??? I wanna celebrate
thought i saw a dude in a kilt yesterday, but then i realized he was doing a walk of shame. happy st. paddy's day.
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