whjeg hajt iyt
say what?
wanna hang out?
He keeps whispering to me that he can't wait to tie my hands up with my wig?
His fridge was full of blocks of pepperjack cheese, and his pantry was stocked with huge jars of jellybeans. Even if I'd been drunk, I don't think I could've made that up.
I was masturbating with the shower head and someone flushed the other toilet. Pretty sure I have 3rd degree burns on my clit.
Yeah, well I just made $600 while taking a shut cause two diff clients called while I was in here. Tell me being a lawyer doesn't kick ass.
Now you have tequila AND fuzzy slippers. Fuck you. I want that to be MY night.
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
This is the second girl that said she wanted to fuck me while wearing a clown nose. Fuck online dating
Wait.....I ate a raw potato lastnight.
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
Come over. I have beer, your weird ass vegan pizza, and a raging hard on.
Marry me.
and yet oddly the jello shots tasted better coming up than going down
He wanted to watch a Charlie Brown thanksgiving. But I was like, fuck that, I'm a grown up. So we watched jumanji and I sucked his dick.
Bring vodka when you get back from court.
this is the second night in a row i've fucked a guy i met on craigslist. and it wasn't even a post for sex. i posted a housing ad. A HOUSING AD
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