Alright folks.. i have made history - I just hit my 2nd PARKED car SOBER withing 6 months.. :*( wtf?!
She guessed my name 9 times, and 5 of those times she guessed Mike. Figured that'd be an easy target for the night.
You know, it's scary to think that someday I might buy a pregnancy test with pride, not at 2am...
She texted her brother about how much she loved his hot tub. He responded three days later that he wasn't aware he owned a hot tub.
uhh when the x-ray tec was moving your head you licked his hand and meowed.. i think he knew you weren't sober
Omg, looked at my call history, and judging by the times of calls it took me like half hour to walk home frommcds
I'm stoned at 1030am, watching Maury with my exboyfriend. I need to make better choices with my life.
He autographed my vag. This fuck just got authentic.
You can't play that off as role play thing. You held my hips and kept yelling "put a baby in me!" That shit ain't cool.
Man I sound like a slutty Mormon
He couldn't undo my bra. He ended up breaking the clasp he clawed at it so long. We met on Tinder for God sake
She's one of those people who could be either 16 or 23. In which case she's too old for me or in dangerously jailbait territory for you, bro.
idk what the male equivelent of vajazzling is but it better be worth the time
I swear I'm going to walk in one day with you in a ballgag just masturbating feverishly
Well i can't stand the sound of my own crying
She told me I’m a “stunt cock.” I’m okay with that
Randomize
