I'm sorry my penis didn't work
how was the sex?
he smelled like pickles and burnt hair.
well, there's that.
How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
I think I just sold my virginity for plane tickets
relax...and go to your happy place, which probably has a lot of dicks
We need to re-create the Get Some Ass Tour 2002.
Um, 2 out of 3 people involved with that particular event are now married, so I don't think that will be happening.
HELLO, they're MARRIED! They need to get some ass more than anyone.
Her only article of clothing is an American Flag
I asked the subway guy how many cookies he thought I could smuggle into the bar. He said it looked like a 6 packer. he was correct
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
Nothing more ironic than raw dogging some random Asian hottie last night and then doing the walk of shame home from her place mixed in with the participants of the AIDS walk
There's a super pregnant woman here complaining about back pain. I better not see a live birth in the hair care aisle
All I remember is allowing my uber driver to pull over on the side of the road to give me a massage. I was alone
It's like if you wanna bond just do a ropes course or have group sex you don't have to be weird about it
Mixing Powerade and white wine has been one of my better ideas.
dude, shes trippin so bad. idk what shes on, she just told me she doesnt remember her name then proceeded to get in the shower clothed to try to "rinse off the high"
Randomize
