I realize now. I should have just made out with everyone and anyone when I had the chance.
i had a dream last night that my liver tore its self out of my body and ran away.
She said she was an education major and you replied with "oh I'm taking a semester off too". And we never saw her again...
Holy shit. This 2 year old just told me her nipples were for her boyfriend. Hello future leaders of america
Its like "fucckkkkk yooouuuuuu" is echoing up my esophagus
tequila?
yep
I got a blowjob dressed with a t shirt sweatpants and a Fanny pack. Not kidding.
Everybodys gonna want to make out w me dressed as big bird
Big bird is like some childhood daddy fantasy come true for carnival
thought a girl was checking me out today. took me like 5 minutes to realize it was a mannequin
She said if her future children dont have blue eyes she wont love them
It's an open bar. I'm gonna be gone when you get here.
Text me the address now before you're too drunk to text English.
Hey I was just wondering if you could go look for my teeth?
I love getting kicked out of places. Its like winning a little league game
Watching the awkward tinder date at the table next to mine is the most action I've had in months, so there's that.
I'm just drunk enough to be eating egg rolls on the toilet
At 3:00am my whole house started smelling like cooking meat. I have no idea why she thought it was a good idea to crock-pot a WHOLE turkey that early in the morning.
Randomize
