So I just almost came on my own face I had to dodge it as it was flying by...that was a first
No, we just ended up walking around in his pool high and singing songs by The Wiggles.
Holy fuck. She looks like Vin Diesel's stuntman
Oh my god. I think I just sexted my mom...
What?!
Fwd: Ride me, you sleek sleek woman!!!
He's trying to row the canoe up my front yard like he is Lewis and Clark.
These shoes are like walking on sunshine and labias. So soft and squishy
What are you doing and how can I add sex in there
And for some reason I just want to have sex with EVERYTHING
A guy just grabbed my balls before he shook my hand because he thought he knew me.
I can only rely on you and Taco Bell
You're never gonna guess who's blood is on my shirt
Why do I feel like I really don't want to hear the end of this...
Going on a first date tonight...pros: my boobs look amazing. Cons: my abortion isn't until next week.
I'm all about clean living these days
You started your day with fried chicken and a bloody
... after you woke up in your own urine
Wanna guess where my charger was last night.....in my cooler with my beer. I put it in there because I knew I would never forget my beer.
You just kept yelling GET YOUR SKATES ON, BITCHES. WE'RE GOING STREAKING.
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