I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
do you think he would believe thats it not really my period, and that i ate a lot of licorice?
Good news: he out-ran the campus police. Bad news: they were chasing him toward the REAL police.
What not to say at an interview: i can wrap the shit out of some food.
Benefits of having to stay in jail for the weekend: learned how to make my own make up out of colored pencils. Also how to make use of toothpaste for hair products. Downfall was probably getting hit on by a murderer. Only me.
It's like my uterus was saying, "hey, you're not pregnant, but imagine if you were!"
Saw 2 lesbians fist fighting outside the bar tonight. I was startled yet slightly turned on
I keep getting congratulated for drinking 2 six packs of mikes hard and winning the Olympic marathon and I don't remember this shit and now my throat is on fire
Ended up at the strip club, got told I should be a dancer 4 times, got free tacos and my hot TA slide in the dms. How was your night?
Wow. Ok who would waste Game 7 ticket on kids?!
Poor parenting at its best
how soon in a friendship can you start calling them a motherfucker
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
You were lost on foot. Texted us and told us that N*Sync couldn't save you, and then you "met Jesus" in your car.
Lol, perhaps. But the drinks are so cheap, the music is better, and the bartenders and bouncers all know my name. I can't abandon it, even if it is a gay bar, its still my Nirvana.
i asked your drunk ass where the fuck you were going and you screamed “WENDY’S BITCH”.
Randomize
