Yo I'm just eating dinner now. U ready to go out?
Ya ya. Where you eating?
Cereal and beer. U kno u want in.
You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
So the last day on the vacation I woke up in the bath tub. My mom said she asked me during the night what I was doing and I said, "swimming."
Flirting with the rich sleazy owner of the club: 1 way ticket to free sushi, drinks, and VIP passes. FUck! im better with older men than i am with babies and dogs
I just snorted a line of adderall through a rolled up business card for the Michigan Law Admissions Office.... Tell me I'm not motivated
We walked in and found his glass coffee table broken and you in the bathroom throwing up saying "What a bad first impression."
Somehow she slept thru the vacuuming, people walking in and out, and the sound of constant beer bottles hitting the trash, but when someone said weed in a regular volume of voice she startled awake.
I went up to get a drink from the hotel room. And ended up getting arrested in the lobby. Spring break has not been forgiving this year.
You should make us a hot pocket to split while I go throw up.
You thought the flashing lights were strobe lights when they were loading you into the ambulance. You asked the EMT if he had any X.
Okay first of all fuck you and everything you stand for because Taco Bell is amazing.
So who has the penis shaped party tray? You or your mom?
First day of school is awesome. I get to meet my students and figure out which of their mothers I’ I’m going to bang
I feel like 20 angels jizzed in my mouth. This cupcake is DELICIOUS!
This is my life. Currently ordering a gift for my straight married girlfriend's husband from my lesbian married girlfriend.
Randomize
