no matter how many times i close my eyes and hit ignore on my phone. i must remind myself shit i still have to see her at work
I don't know how God could bestow someone that emotionally confused with such an awesome penis.
Reason #57 I am going to fail the bar... it's Tuesday and i'm drunk at Toy Story 3.
There needs to be a newsfeed for phones... A list of all my drunken calls, texts, BBMs, new contacts, pictures sent AND received, all in chronological order.
Totally just met the chick getting nailed in our lobby last night. Should I bring it up?
Steve is gonna hang his bear rug on the wall because he doesn't trust us not to have sex on it...
Her fucking playlist had randy newman on it. It was like woody was watching the whole time.
She gives the worst handjobs, it was like raw meat on a cheese grater
You'd be proud! I didn't lose my id this time... It got confiscated
He just snapchatted me a picture of his cock. The angle makes it look like a freakin skyscraper. Thinking of photoshopping a little monkey on it.
He tried to do the do on me last night and my exact words were "stay away from my princess parts. they're renovating."
He still texted me and invited me over a day later so I guess I'm the lovable kind of psycho
Wake up. Smoke. Masturbate while eggos cook. Go back to bed. Smoke. Body spray shower. Beer with breakfast. Class. Morning of a champion.
Bitch how dare you drink my dos equis
MY TITS JUST CAUSED A CAR ACCIDENT ON THE HIGHWAY! i kid you not!! i thinl the giy is actually dead
Randomize
