My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
they had a keg party to fund her abortion.
Well, if your day started with strippers, then we're tied. Otheriwse, I'm winning.
I dont think he was a real cab driver. I think he was just a creepy guy with a van.
A guy just walked down the street dressed as Mickey Mouse holding a 40oz. Where the hell did you leave me?
seriously. next time...underwear. I'm not spending any other holiday season wondering if it'll be my last babyless one.
i have 90 minutes to kick this food poisoning or josh's first experience with buttsex will be his last
Is it inception if it feels like another uterus is going to burst out of my current uterus?
I am the only person I know ever to have been brought TO the bar in the back of a cop a car. Twice.
We fucked, she finished, high fived me, the pulled a celebratory pack of gushers out of her purse for each of us. I'm going to marry your sister dude.
It was inevitable. It was like I was a caterpillar and now I'm a drunk and high butterfly
In the name of friendship, I’m going to kick your children into the ocean.
I just told 2 of my vibrators "I love you." I seriously need some dick.
Welcome to your 30’s, where every one night stand is most likely with someone’s father
So chicken strips and confidence do not you make you sober.
Randomize
