I'm buying eyelash glue, salt, and limes. We know how tonight is ending.
I'm calling into work with a wicked case of sledge hammer crotch. She has to understand
Sorry you called when I was puking in a cheetos bag
That was the apt with beer in the juice and the floor caving in. Don't go.
I won't apologize to a one balled man
You might call them booze related cuts, I call it "partying so hard you sweat blood"
Also I want everyone to be drunk at my funeral. Instead of wearing black just blackout. That way everyone can celebrate how fun I was
Overheard-"sex" and "giblet gravy" in the same sentence. Best thanksgiving ever.
Refresh my memory....were we forced to leave or did we choose to leave?
Don't do him, he's a Dolphins fan! A FUCKING DOLPHINS FAN!
Fuck my life he IS a stripper, Ive been sleeping with a stripper named Phoenix. damnit, I knew the sex was too good
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
Remember that time I came to London for 4 hours, got hammered, cried for an hour and then left.
Going to the pool bar doesn’t exactly count as “exploring”
I was puking for like ten minutes when I realized my parents were fucking in the shower and were afraid to come out
Randomize
