i just got fired from my job because i was "too smart" and my immedate response was i am WAY too stoned to be considered smart, and theni walked out the door.
wow. i have no words.
trust me, there is no more disappointing feeling in the world than waking up at 4 in the morning with a random half naked chick in your bed and then realizing your roommates girlfriend just wandered into the wrong room.
Does the phrase 'traumatizing near-threesome' mean anything to you.
She saves ONE person's life while blacked out and now she's positive anything can be done "while fucking hammered"
My mom got me high and then dropped me off at a church.
I've abandoned trying to find a logical explanation of your life.
You said something about how beautiful my pockets were, then walked away.
Yes talking about pockets is classic me.
I got head this morning from the 31-year-old version of Jenn. It was like a blow job from the future while a simultaneous blast from the past for 10 minutes.
I'm gonna get drunk in the shower and yell at my parents during dinner. Have fun in Texas.
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
seriously, who doesn't want to get shitfaced and have sex to the backstreet boys?
Things that happen while I poop: I start dating someone
Christ I forgot how flexible you need to be for a decent sext pic. Jesus.
YOUR STATE IS STUPID
Did you miss a turn again?
WHAT FUCKING IDIOT DECIDED TO DESIGN AN ENTIRE FUCKING STATE WHERE YOU CAN'T MAKE A FUCKING LEFT TURN?!? FUCK NEW JERSEY
While buying Plan B the lady at the counter looked at me and said hope you have a successful night as I walked away in shame
I ACCIDENTALLY MURDERED MY COUSIN
HOW DO YOU ACCIDENTALLY MURDER YOUR COUSIN
Randomize
