omg i can't drink anymore.. i just pulled up my dress and started playing with my vagina
terrible decisions. terrible terrible terrible decisions.
who'd you have sex with.
Ummm so I just found the baby pumpkin that was on my porch last night in Village Pizza this morning on their counter. The cashier said some drunk girl came in and told him it was a present.
The only thing I really remember is repeating "I hope I still have a job on Monday". Oh and pulling my boob out of my dress.
So I take it the company Christmas dinner went well then...
since you saved your number in my phone as "the hot chick you met last Friday" I don't know who you are either
Who the fuck was that guy he kept pulling his dick out walking up to people trying to hand it to people and saying go ahead open the door like it was a door knob
She wants to fuck me. On a tennis court. In her tennis outfit. Is ring-shopping an acceptable 3rd date activity?
I peed in a 7/11 last night. Like literally pretended I pretended I was shopping, looked around, and peed on boxes in the corner. No more tequila
And tell the hostess not to worry, she's narcoleptic and fell asleep on the way to the bar, but she'll be fine in a few minutes.
So I dropped $130 while buying shots for an army ranger, got my fake taken, almost went to jail, and came out of my black out when I was talking to the cops with a stolen detour sign in my hands.
You asked me if you had to go downstairs to get upstairs. And then you forgot where you were.
I always make inappropriate sexual decisions during the holidays
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
You know my vagina and my heart have a mind of their own even when it’s pouring snow.
Maybe the "i killed someone" and "tequila makes my clothes come off" comments freaked him out.
Randomize
