Would you feel weird if I asked out ___?
You dont call on our son's bday but you want to know if I'll give you permission to date my best friend?
So...no?`
i actually looked down at my cock today and said "whoa buddy, you need a haircut....(grimace) and a shower"
i was so high it looked like the chipmunks movements were coordinated to that lady gaga song
I just found out you can file for divorce online. I love America.
Its the little things i like about bein home like having actual toilet paper instead of subway napkins
Im shirtless eating a burrito. How urgent is this?
I'm so disappointed in myself I can actually taste it.
Does it taste like semen?
u girls! girls! girls! have fun please don't hook up w/ a roadie! Love, mom
We are going all out this weekend. My liver is already smiling.
You talked about giving to sperm banks on a first date. What did you expect?
This hickey is now green and covers half my neck. I have an alien hickey. I think he thought my neck was dinner.
Oh, honey. If you're seeing a girl just for the sex, never doubt that she knows and she's doing the same thing. We're not stupid, we're just craftier than you.
when I type Christina's, my phone's predictive text assumes my next word is boobage
I never saw such an emotional argument over yellow vs. spicy mustard.
I was playing 'If You Had To Fuck One or Die' with the old composite pictures with a guy in the bathroom line. They were all pretty ugly so I go "You can tell this is a lower tier frat"......turns out the guy was a brother
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