come downstairs quick. our boyfriends are having a dance off in nothing but their underwear and shoes. and they have semis too.
i'd like someone to explain to me why my clothes are all sticky. including my fanny pack. yes, this is a mass text.
What's the point of having 3 fuck buddies when their periods all seem to sync up
There was a dismembered bleeding penis in my dream last night. That's some serious Freudian shit.
Went to the wedding reception, and he left with ALL of the brides maids phone numbers. I don't know how he does it either.
There is no way I am paying you $5 apiece for pot brownies you found behind a dumpster. $2, maybe.
Things I learned last night: 1. Bacardi 151 is a one-way ticket to the toilet, 2. It is possible for a human being to turn into Mount Vesuvius
I've already reverted to sweat pants. And lonely drinking.
The cop told you to put your hands behind your back and you slurred "I'm not falling for that again"
New one-upper goal: I have to shit off the side of a moving train then jump off
Apparently I was telling them, "I AM A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN AND I DON'T NEED YOU TO HOLD MY HAIR," and I pulled my hair back and puked.
There's a guy masturbating in front of Sephora right now
Thanks for listening. You're the first guy I've ever worked with who I didn't want to fuck.
Had a vaginal orgasm. I feel like I made sex my bitch.
Worst sex ever! He was a talker for sure! I was on top and out of no where he said "Oh you bad bitch?" I stopped and left.
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