chick im bringing home just asked our cab driver if she could do a line off his turban. i think im in love - or trouble.
we were spooning and you were the big spoon but you insisted that I call you "the ladle"
Brutally Honest is my real middle name, Princess just sounds better.
woke up with ski boots on and a kayak in my room... birthday successful? i'd say so
I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
I know this may seem inappropriate, but are you gonna bring any blow to the wedding?
Just erased 'masturbate' from my mental To-Do list because I've got too much stuff to do. I hate adulthood
I have no valid justification for peeing in your kitchen, but I don't think it's worth breaking up over.
So, your gf couldn't walk up the stairs without your help, but she could knit you a scarf?
I think the fact that the scarf was made out of dental floss should be taken into account.
Dont make this weird.... I was wondering if I could paper mache a few of your dildos this weekend?
I was behind him snuggling, I told him I was the big spoon and he told me I was too little it was more like he was wearing a backpack.
I have not brushed my hair. I'm wearing a yoga hoodie. I look like I slept in a gutter somewhere. Today is going to be a good day.
We were so sore from having sex that we decided to fix it with more sex. It's the hair of the dog for sex hangover.
I don't mean to crush your hopes and dreams but having sex IN the Stanley Cup isn't possible
I mean, he’s listed as “Andrew DC Threesome” in my phone. THATS HOW I REMEMBER HIM! How is that not the start of a fairytale?
Randomize
