I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
you keep denying me to hang out, should i take a hint?
you keep asking me after midnight, should i take a hint?
Tell her she's as useless as a condom.
Nakedness is not a toga. Just sayin
atleast your grandma didn't give you her USED dildo just so you wouldn't have sex.
you announced to everyone at the bar "fuck girls. they're confusing. im gonna start having sex with boys now"
I'm playing wingman, but I want to pull a Goose and die.
I just woke up and checked my e-mail, and apparently while drunk I bought a blowtorch. Thought you'd want to know.
Sometimes you just need a break, and sometimes you also need to get stoned on these breaks. I sound like some kind of fucked up mr rogers when I say shit like that.
I fell asleep on the air hockey table and someone turned it on, scariest shit ever when you're that fucked up
I'm sure there are thousands getting dick today in the name of independence
there are not enough nopes in the world for that situation.
yea so the plan to relive our college glory days was great and all but ending up in the er with alcohol poisoning was crossing the line
I think it might be the guy sitting next to me. I've concluded he HAS to be smuggling insane amounts of onions in his wardrobe to smell like that
Is it bad that whip cream tastes like sex to me?
Randomize
