Apparently I was playing rock paper scissors against myself for 2 hours in the bathroom mirror.
Some creeps at the festival started talking to me, so I told them I was going change my tampon. Worked like a charm.
Watching tv. She's giving me head and she hates it when I watch her.
Well, they emptied out the keg by the third kegstand for America.
Just spent the last 5 minutes laughing at my epipen. i think i'm too high.
my professor saw me buying beer for the super bowl and said go patriots. thats how i know im getting an A in his class.
Pretty sure the cab driver can even smell the sex coming from between my legs
He ripped off his socks and ran around the basement barefoot. His feet turned black. Then he chugged Parmesan cheese. He chugged dry cheese dude.
I just want to know how she convinced 6 sober ROTC guys to have an ab contest on a street corner at 2 in the morning.
We tried to play tennis but after about 15 minutes we gave up and fucked against the fence. Woulda been a cute third date so of course I had to ruin it.
Although I'm glad you didn't let my climb in the sink, I really wish you would have let me pretend to be a duck in the shower for a little longer
you ever just feel like an organ is failing?
After the bar we stopped to Meijer where I found myself singing little mermaid while rubbing a pack of hotdogs on my face..
My cat is sitting in the window watching the neighbor's dogs doing it. I think she's lonely too.
What did you spend the night in her closet?
She said she was saving me for breakfast and locked me in there
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