In case you were wondering, you weren't dreaming. I really did get stuck between my bed and the wall last night.
Come over. Drunk tacos.
That isn't even a sentence.
I kept the important parts.
It's just weird. It's like Big Bird dating Meg Griffin.
I had a dream about a vibrator with 42 different settings. If that's not a good indication I need to get laid, I don't know what is
Mistakes were made. Hot mistakes that I want to make again. But tapping your employee is def a mistake. Esp in front of two other employees.
There is nothing worse than the batteries of your vibrator dying on valentines day
Next time I try to break into the police station drunk, please stop me.
You're not talking any sense into me. You're cheering me on to disaster.
... is that not half the reason I'm your best friend in the first place?
I just put on lipstick to sext him. That should tell you where my love life is at.
I woke up with masking tape on my nipples this morning........... WHY DO BAD THINGS HAPPEN TO GOOD PEOPLE
We watched X-Files, ate pizza, and he played with my butt. It was a pretty standard Monday.
I just put condoms in a mason jar because it looked prettier than the box.I think I've peaked.
The only thing that makes a night with half a bottle of cheap vodka is the other half of that bottle of cheap vodka.
she has no right to get mad at us for drinking during the wedding. she's the one that chose the bridesmaid dresses with pockets.
Remember how slutty I thought she was when we were freshmen?
Yeah! But that was a long time ago. Plus, you use your sluttiness for good!
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