I have been thinking about it and I am really glad we decided to order helmets.
Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
She's the rare girl who loses weight and gets uglier.
She was narrarating everything she did.. like while making toast.
from now on when you get up to pee in the middle of the night, check to see if im sleeping in your parking lot.
i do.
It was all going great until he pulled the hamburger meat out of his pocket
There was a guy on the elevator dressed as santa in flip-flops giving away beer.
Exact words that were just spoken as she was on her 6th, yes 6th piece of bread: "I'm only eating the soft and chewy inside of the bread-I am taking the crust home to feed my turtles"
She was to tired for head so she opted for a footjob with poor results. I dont want to talk about it
hey if you're going to the hospital do you wanna pick me up a taco on your way back
And also the fact that I woke up sandwiched between two gay men is probably fueling my day
He's standing in the corner rubbing his nipples and reflecting on poor life choices
I'm slowly starting to accept that you have to be a sociopath to be attracted to me
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
Intoxication Level: I'm as graceful and flawless as a fucking dinosaur.
Randomize
