She tried to have sex with him but he quote unquote respected her
I'm telling lies about you to make you look like a good person
i have no feeling in my penis or fingers but i think it was worth it
How did our waiter from olive garden end up passed out drunk in my roommate's bed?
Gosh, I don't even have that. Let alone someone to tie me up and whip me with Twizzlers.
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
Your headphones are on the door knob and I left you a burger on the door step.
He is currently in a meeting and I am sexting him in Italian
And he's using Google translate to reply. Who says cross country relationships can't be fun?
I had to break it to her that she was not in fact behind the bushes when she peed on the church last night
be right there i have to get my cape
I still don't understand if he's using me to write his resume or if we're dating
It's always appealing to be able to say to someone "I banged your mom"
I'm pretty sure I just won at life. I touched the bushy tail of a squirrel while he had his mouth full and was digging in a plant on campus. That is all.
Why r u in my phone under "the last survivor"?
so.. he paid for my flight to vegas, took me to shows, bought my drinks and STILL rescued my drunk ass after i ditched him. i HAD to cuddle with him this morning.. fair exchange, right?!
Randomize
