You don't have asthma, your pregnant
Ugh now I'll have to carry around an overnight bag to all the bars I visit tonight. but hey! maybe I'll meet a dude! And need it!
The only person who has seen my penis more than that girl, is that girl's sister.
guess where i woke up this morning? If you guessed the hospital, you sir are correct.
I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.
Why is your signature on my underwear?
I've realized that my life is in no way structured to be compatible with monogamy. I'm not adjusting to this well.
It took 5 minutes to find my bra.. in his car.
My vagina is not really on board with my "emotional issues"
Just got gas in my car for the first time while high. Went better than expected.
The alcohol just runs so smoothly thru my veins.
I never actually go in the club. I get in line, hit on a chick, and convince her to come drink all she wants for free at my house.
Weddings might be fun but they are not getting fucked in the wilderness fun.
Who the fresh hell put 2 pillows a raincoat and a guitar on top of me to keep me warm last night
Is it weird that my mother is taking body shots off my gf after meeting once?
Randomize
