We had sex on the first date...do you think he thinks I'm a whore?
Yes and so do I
just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
I feel like my whole life has been one big pre-game for Mexico.
We got a Christmas tree, decorated it to surprise his wife And kids who were out of town for her father's funeral, then fucked like rabbits on their new mattress before he had to pick them up at the airport.
u kept pointing at random guys and making quacking or mooing sounds.
If the world would stop letting me feel invincible I would probably stop doing this shit.
he just hooked up with some chick in a bedroom upstairs so I just went to sleep in the pantry closet...
Please tell me you've ingested more than weed and Oreos today
I cannot FaceTime with your penis
Because you work where i will be drunk tonight I'm asking you. Is a shirt required on Halloween?
So my parents just watched me pour their rum into a bottle and only add crystal light powder, no water... Talk about being judged. All I could say was "Cortland tricks?"
It's 4:30 AM and I just walked through a line of 10 deer without them freaking out. I am the campus deer king.
YAY! I just removed my own stitches, and I'm only bleeding from one spot! on a related note, do you think a dishwasher will sterilize forceps and trauma shears?
My god imagine how much cum is in that astroturf
Thank you for dog sitting, there is $60 on my desk to be spent on DRUGS AND/OR GAS ONLY not that food stuff people crave.
Randomize
