This girl told me she was a virgin the other day. I felt like I was talking to a unicorn.
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call
I'm not sure what happened last night but I woke up next to him and I was wearing nothing but my grandpa's diabetic socks, so I'm letting that fill in the blanks.
Is it appropriate to put "Mommy and Daddys shitfaced-ness that led to Aubrey" on a birth announcement?
Well you two just had a kid in the middle of college, I dont think anyone will notice.
Thanks bro
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
all my mom knows is what I put on facebook. So... I mean... She knows we drink a lot.
He was sucking my nipples then stopped, looked me dead in the eyes and said "im gonna cum for my babygirl"
I think I shall call his penis Gatsby. We talk about it all the time, but I never see it.
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
Happy Halloween!! Last Halloween we spent together you got brought home in a shopping cart
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Can i have the words "she went crazy and never came back" written on my grave?
Per my usual Thursday, I blacked out and slept on the stairs.
Fuck you guys, I'm trying to nurse my hangover and eat my chicken tenders in peace.
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
I went to my AA meeting last night. My drug dealer is now my counselor.
We were peeing side by side on the riverbank together and I felt like nothing brings you closer than drunken riverbank urinating so I caught her a friendship frog to wipe with since we left the tp in the canoe.
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