If I die today, promise to let the world know I partied.... oh god did I party
I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
Just realized the hot girl at the office got a boob job over the Holiday.....she is now super-hot girl.
: am i supposed to send the mass text 'merry christmas!' to my booty calls too?
Just invented taco cereal.
Fair warning, if I start singing "Kiss Me, I'm Shitfaced" at any point tomorrow, just go with it
Turns out I sent a dick pic to my sister's ex. Grindr is the devil's eharmony.
I love you. We're gonna celebrate your 21st by putting people in duct tape bikinis and pushing them down tequila slip and slides
well i don't NEED my liver but it's nice to have one when you're trying to have a good time
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
Woke up and took my pants off only to realize that I was wearing my shirt from last night as my underwear
You are cordially invited to the annual finals week stress relief drinking binge at our manor this evening
I am so horny that I an legitimately concerned for your safety when I see you tonight.
you woke me up at 1am last night high on cough syrup to tell me jay z was an idiot for cheating on beyonce
I gotta do like a month's worth of catch-up personal hygiene today in prep for Christmas so extended family doesn't ask if I'm depressed.
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