He like poked it twice with the tip of his tongue then left it alone. I'm sad.
i wanted to sleep on a waterbed so i filled up my bathtub so i could fall asleep in it...
woke up in a garbage bag. literally. it was used as a sleeping bag.
Well I woke up with a note on me reading Dear Passed Out Girl, and ending with why I shouldn't drink so much. Damn Tequilla.
They thought I was the paid stripper pretty much, and a lady tried to set me up with her nephew and then wanted to get my number for lesbian daughter... A typical night for me
She has a lazy eye!
My other option is a hardwood floor
I'm gonna cougar town the shit out of that prom.
When you give the bridesmaid toast someday at my wedding I need you to quote Ricky Bobby in some form. And slip in your sister has the vagina of awesomeness. That is all.
Who replies to a drunk text at 6am that's like against the rules of being a designated drunk text receiver
She needs more friends. Or a second therapist.
That basically sounds like the worst party of my life, and I'm including my brother's World of Warcraft themed birthday party.
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
I swear going to your house is like going to a strip club, no matter what happens I get glitter on me.
Must be why he thought choking was foreplay. Like WTF? No.
Do thigh high boots and a ball gag count as a costume?
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