I'm drunk in f*****g wisconsin and want to kill myself.
If it's any consolation, be grateful that you're not in New Jersey.
One night stand!! Now I'm pissing excellence
That burning is chlamydia
Ever since he's come out, my facebook stalking experience has gotten uncomfortable
the nurse was shocked when I handed her a cup of green piss. what did she expect giving me a drug test on st. patty's day?
She just got out of the car and said "hold on purse.. It's going to be a bumpy ride"
No. Dude. I didn't knoe it eas floibg to move. It's slepprru ixuy!
Sometimes a girl needs 4 shots of whiskey in her diet coke at 5 in the afternoon and i feel no shame in admitting that girl is me
She has this wild look other eyes like she wouldn't be afraid to commit a felony.
I needed tweezers to get my thong out of my ass this morning.
I drank too much tequila. I'm hyperventilating. Send help. I think I slipped through satan's asshole.
He told me that when he bends me over that chair I remind him of a bull rider. So thanks for being the ex that helps my present sex life
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
I'm pretty sure I hallucinated the existence of an entire human being last night.
I am the most hated person in hoboken. Ive been doing drunken cake boss impressions down the street for the past 20 mins.
I should not have moved in with him. He's got porn stashed everywhere like a homosexual squirrel.
You love porn!
Not in the sugar bowl when I'm making my Mom coffee I don't.
Randomize
