i keep forgetting that not all of my female friends are bisexual.
new rule: cockblock me if I have had over a fifth of jack. no matter what.
Dnt forget 40 tuesday,dress nice! Like job interview nice, like funeral nice, like a couple muhfuckas sittin on their lawn drinkin forties on a tuesday nice!
It took him an hour to realize I wasn't this "Sarah" girl, and by then he was already crying and eating pizza rolls.
My only regret is that I have but one penis to give to your vagina.
One day, tell me please to stop buying shots when I'm overwhelmed. I might have just broken a tooth
I was wearing the shirt my little sister got for her birthday when the condom broke. I finally have it back to her and told her it was bad luck
I woke up naked on my couch playing a video game I thought I had dreamed about... oh yeah, and someone cut my hair.
Fucked her on the patio while some dude drove by on a mower. He waved. Twice.
some how during sex we caught an ENTIRE pillow on fire. A WHOLE PILLOW.
I can still taste the Jäger. I'm gonna shoot myself.
I can recall having this conversation with a three year old, but go on
Well, while we went through airport security, I found out Mom got her clit pierced, so there's that.
I have a bunch of bug bites on my ass... This is why you don't have sex against a tree in the woods
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
Randomize
