Sharpest. Poop. Ever.
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
I just dont understand why you didnt cut me off when I took the funnel into the bathroom and started peeing and funneling at the same time
thank you for letting me use your house as a brothel.
Can't talk right now. I'm doing tequila shots with my professor at some Mexican bar. That's how I prepare for finals.
how did you know i stayed over last night?
there was a trail of glow sticks and cheetos from the front door all the way to his bedroom
I haven't filled him in on Operation "find a sugar daddy & suck dick for money" yet, but I'm sure he just wants me to be happy.
He saw one of my bras on the floor and said "damn you could eat soup out of this"
My vibrator looks like a lipstick tube. So does my mace. I just realized the potential problems of keeping them both in the same bag.
You have talents. You got me laid two weekends in a row in two different cities.
I want to die, ON THAT, with that INSIDE ME. ironically, I sense that would be the only time I'd feel alive.
i can't hookup with him because someone else bit my vagina
You can accomplish quite a bit with a can do attitude and a well placed ice cube.
He's here walking around DRUNK AS FUCK in a Kobe Bryant number 8 jersey... Tucked in.
My head is bruised from having sex in the backseat of an explorer last night.
Randomize
