This dress was meant to end up on your floor
I wish I could tell you that the worst thing that happened last night was how he got thrown out of a stripclub for vomitting on the girl giving him a private lapdance. I wish I could tell you that and not be lying.
Shit. Come in my room. Bring a trashcan and an icepack
My dildo fell into the bathtub. It sounded like a chainsaw.
He had a joint rolled for us when he picked me up. It's how ASU does romance
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
Body shots with my MILFs MILF!!
All I did was send my mom an ecard
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
literally 50% of my time being 20 has involved my genitals thus far
I just had to explain to a 5 year old why I had fuzzy handcuffs hidden in a macaroni box under my bed.
I wanted to say, you're welcome for your orgasms, thanks for not returning the favor, Needledick
If you don't respond in the next 30min, I'm going to assume your in a sex coma, in jail, or dead... All of which I've become accustomed to, and will follow the appropriate channels of notification once you notify me.
I woke up with a jacket; in it passport, hockey tickets, sunglasses, credit card, bank transactions
you were trying to drink the laundry detergent and yelling blue drankkkkk
She yelled Carpe Diem when she orgasmed. Is it too early to marry her?
Randomize
