I have no voice and feel like lukewarm beer.
I'm sorry, but there's just something about mesh over nipples that irks me.
Just walked past a girl wearing nothing but flip flops and an oversized sweatshirt crying by the front gates eating pizza. i just found your soulmate.
I felt like a dog for all the times during sex that he said "good girl"
I had no where to run... The dumpster sounded like a good idea at the time
sitting in the bathroom telling some girl to keep puking or she will die. while holding a beer. nursing school rocks.
My ex wife just asked to go over our divorce papers and for sex in the same text
Last night I somehow got INCREDIBLY wasted & thought it was a good idea to make a group chat with all the guys I'm hooking up with and just say "bye." soo I'm hiding out till next week.
I just did a shot of Jameson and two shots of cuervo. Note: this is the moment things went down hill
I signed the divorce papers. Can I get a blowjob now?
YOU HAVE TO STOP TELLING BARTENDERS WE DON'T HAVE MORAL STANDARDS
I woke up with a shot glass nestled between my boobs like a baby bird.
Sometimes I get confused on who I really actually know and who's lives I just know everything about via internet. Its a fine line
I just spent 30 minutes plucking my 2 month grown out pubes with tweezers so I’m hope your night is going better than mine
Just hit on a girl with the line, "You look like Natalie Portman if she did drugs". Strike 1
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