Your dad touched me again.
I just found out the guys at work had a bet as to who could sleep with me before i move away.
Who won?
All of them.
walk of shame with early morning football tailgaters. niice.
Kanye's agent is the only person whose job sucks worse than mine.
I have decided that a Nickelback cover band would be the pinnacle of loserdom.
One thing i hate about playoff baseball: George Lopez
He gave me a 420 gift that consisted of a dime bag, a philly cheesestake, and a Pepsi that was still cold. If he ever wants a free bj, I got him.
she just walked in and said "well, I got peed on again"...
So I just went to 3 different stores because there is no way I can walk out of one store with this many reeses and still have my pride.
I tipped him really well because I feel he knew we were high, but did it in a non judgemental way.
Sorry your girlfriend got you a valentines present and you forgot to get her one.
How long will your dick be dry?
His dog ate the vibrator. The WHOLE vibrator. We spend the morning after trying to make it vomit up the battery. Why does this always happen to me?
I dont pretend to understand how the heterosexual mind works. Its a mysterious cavern of stupidity and disgusting sexual acts.
My sister can't give you a handjob and us still be bros.
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
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