do you remember how we all fit in that bathtub?
tequila
She said to delete the bj video, but I accidentally hit the 'send to her bf' button. My bad
I'm not giving my ex her earrings back. If some chick i hated gave me brownies i would still eat them. It's the same thing.
WHY are the edges of my bra charred???
Adderal just makes me love life. I want to do so much. I just can't stop thinking about all the wonderful opportunities we have and how lucky we are and I want to make a difference in the world. I just have to reign in my brain and convince it that changing the world starts with a college degree, which depends on studying for these finals.
He shit in a sock dude, you can't come back from that
I think I'm making a tradition of going to every funeral with at least one sex-related bruise. I don't know how this happened.
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
DUDE FUCK CALL ME SHE HAS GRANDKIDS
Got 2 free lines of blow from some random guys on the side of 13th street.....how's your Sunday going?
I'm not even 100% sure what it is, but if it involves Thor and Doritos, I'm in
Well, I could just slap my dick to my phone and see what it says
So, were you planning on telling me you left your panties in my glovebox??
There's a lady rapping at me about making healthy food choices. She lives in a refrigerator. This is not okay with me
You know that tattoo place next to Dallas? The naked sexy frog on my neck is proof that their "won't tattoo if drunk" sign is bullshit!
Randomize
