I'd rather drink alone in my closet than hang out with that girl
I shaved my pubes to make my cock look like it has a lions mane. to surprise the girl that works at the zoo when she comes over.
A squiggle pen was my first vibrator back when I was young. I would lock myself in my bedroom with that thing. Oh to be 8 again.
i must've hopped out the car and eaten some leaves...even when your'e drunk that's not acceptable
Was last night real? Did I lick your forehead while you laid in between my legs while we laid next to your boyfriend?
nobody understands how my tooth became embedded in the ceiling last night.
I'm laying in bed with a case of beer,.. That's how this break up is going..
There's an old guy having a conversation with his penis in the bathroom right now.
Oh my god. You have got to get off that breast feeding support group. They're on to you, dude.
They're fucking on the bed next to me. I took adderall and smoked so there's no fucking help for me.
The homeless guy who goes through my garbage cans just gave me a flyer for an AA group.
Blacked in cold and wet, with them areound me singing Aaaaall we are saaaaayiiiing is YOU PEED YOUR PANTS
It's the kinda thing that makes you wanna buy a rainbow flag and fight republicans and kiss girls
I don't need inspirational quotes. If I'm going to be motivated, it will be by anger and spite.
Sorry I missed your birthday party. I caught a dick and rode it to O-Town
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