i gave him head before the novacaine wore off...i think his penis touched my lung
90% of the problems in your life are directly related to your vagina
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
i cant cry in cvs. not again.
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
As a general rule, drunkenness and gymnastics do not mix.
he suggested we do it doggy style cuz it was his dead dogs birthday...i had to do it
Life is too short to have fake orgasms.
She wouldn't put out on the first date. I think my boner put a hole in my mattress.
No. Mother. Fucking. Jello shots. Just no. I'm not falling into that trap again.
I may or may not have puked in the ladies room. Now I get to convince my client to go to substance abuse treatment. Oh, the irony.
I found a video on my phone from last night... You got up on the table at McDonald's and screamed BURRITOOO!
dude, i just found out morgan freeman loves weed. all my moms arguments are now irrelevant
I still can't believe that dog licked my nipple.
This might be the worst thing you've ever done.
Really? I feel like I've done worse. Guess I gotta step my game up.
Randomize
