NEWSFLASH - my freind is drunk and admitted that he hates having sex with dogs. should i help him or let him be??
He also left me a wonderful voice mail..... and is now asking me where the planters peanut guy is.
You should probably go find him.
im at a party in sweatpants, slippers, and a basketball jersey from the eighth grade, 10 bucks says im still getting laid
Just learned how to deliver a baby.the things i saw tonight can never be unseen
you could never motorboat her...you'd have to motor-titanic her
Were making Christian mingle accounts. First one to get laid doesn't pay bar tabs for a month.
Challenge accepted. See you in hell.
Just saw a tranny in a skimpy captain america costume walking around campus. Going to follow her. You gotta see this
I told him he was a man of science and that he should conduct experiments on my tits to see how they stay up. I need you to hold onto my larynx when I'm drunk.
drunk freshman in the bathroom puking keeps saying "i'm a peasant" over and over
I don't know what to think. Also, I decided to take a bath...sorry in advance if I flood the bathroom.
Noo.... Like in the attic of a crack house with nitrous and fat chicks weird....
I'M CUDDLING WITH MY CAT AND THAT GUY SENT ME A DICK PIC. UNANNOUNCED DICK PICS ARE TERRIFYING AND MY CAT WILL NEVER BE THE SAME
All I know is if i get a free preview weekend of HBO then I am recording Kindergarten Cop.
He yelled "CARLI LLOYD" and then kicked the cake off the table. Soccer is making monsters out of us.
We lost. I'mma go home and drink more and do a face mask and wonder why it is that god put me on this Earth to suffer
How do I tell my boss I have slutty fantasies about him, me and his conference room table?
Randomize
