I wish I was a guy so I could jack myself off anytime I wanted to
The drink u got me is pineapple something w. Cigarete ashes in it.ima drink it anyway
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
it took me 7 solid minutes to realize "egggGSaucetingf" meant "exhausting"
Do you remember puking up your retainer into the toilet and putting it right back in your mouth?
And I was slip and sliding my life away on a giant tarp with tons of soap and bitches. Priorities man, priorities.
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
I would have dumped her already but between the 4 hr bjs and our shared love of enjoying thirsty Thursday naked while watching basketball I'd say its the best shot at love ill ever have
When you put the phrases "just out of shower" and "did you get the picture" that close together, a picture of hamburger helper is not exactly what I expected to pop up.
I am putting together a break up mix and its pretty much the best of Phil Collins
Only you would get a side of potential vagina with your sandwich
don't give me stepladders when i'm stoned.. i woke up to a slice of balogna nailed to the ceiling
I'm laying in my bed in the fetal position with a bag of frozen peas on my head and the bathroom trashcan next to me. Fucking tequila.
He kept saying "Welcome to Indianapolis" over and over while we were having sex...because that's his hometown. I was scared and confused... I didn't know if I should have said thank you or what.
It was only a blow job in his car. It's the same as giving a friend a back rub.
Randomize
