if you call bong hits and onion rings a party, then yeah
I woke up wearing just my underwear and a headlamp at a different house than I remember passing out at. I told you irish car bombs are not made with an entire guinness.
all nice guys are gay and all hot ones are assholes
You're fat. Stop making excuses
At one point I went looking for you and found you handcuffed to a chair. I'm pretty sure you handcuffed yourself. I don't know how you got there.
the japanese bartender dressed as a cowboy in assless chaps just told me i was too drunk for another shot
Drunk naked twister. My place. Heath is trying to use his dick as a third leg.
YOU CHEATED ON ME WITH THE WOMAN THAT IS STAYING AT YOUR HOUSE. FORGIVE ME IF IM NOT THINKING YOUR A DEDICATED BOYFRIEND.
It's pizza for people who hate themselves. I rang the place up once i'd finished and told them if i was on death row it would be my last meal because by the time i'd got half way through it I would be begging to die.
But then I ordered two more because it was 2-4-1 and my life is a mess
I can't tell if I have the Pizza Hut shits or beer shits
Thinking of someone think of me while masturbating while I masturbate. & that's how the over thinkers do it ✌️
if you're not jumping for joy when you see penis then you're looking at the wrong ones.
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
So my step mom just informed me she tells stories about me at work as a form of birth control for the girls that work there, not sure if i should be offended or proud.
A reminder in my phone just went off saying, "Fuck.On.Roof- the Great Bambino". This makes me excited and slightly nervous.
This is the most exciting thing since movie theater hand jobs
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