2:23 am: come sit on my lap i have a stick that'll keep you in place
i'm pretty sure god just pointed at me and laughed
i think our first tip to leave should have been when we saw the drinks were coming out of a gas can
the bar tender told me i could keep an air matress in the backroom.
good, we got high then went swimming. shelly forgot to keep swimming so we tied her to the ladder in the shallow part with her bikini top.
Listen up tinkerbell, You're gonna come to the bar, hit on some fat chicks, and step up when I punch someone in the face.
I like the odds of his and my children being professional athletes too. To support me in my old age, see I do think about the future.
Be subtle and tell lucas that he should sleep here tonight. And by subtle, i mean show him this text...
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
THAT FUCKER WASTED TWO OF MY COLORED CONDOMS! HE DIDN'T EVEN FUCKING FINISH IN IT HE JUST SLAPPED IT ON AND WASTED IT!
You called me to pick you up from the bar at 9:00. When we drove over the speed bumps you put your hands in the air and pretended you were on a roller coaster.
U know this is gone far when im in the bathroom trying to take a pic of my asshole
I just stood beside an Amish man and bought Cocoa Krispies and tampons.
He pulled out the guitar, sat in tub, and took requests while she puked her brains out in the toilet. I think he loves her.
OH DEAR GOD IT GOT IN MY MOUTH AGAIN HELP
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