She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
my love horoscope just told me to "say it in frosting" should i take this literally?? i think yes.
Today in psych we learned that you are a whore.
Me specifically?
Yep.
How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
I'm taking a new approach to homewrecking... for science. Or I totally would. I have to see what happens between my ex & his brother when he finds out.
What's worse: not calling my parents in Dallas to make sure they're alright or not taking shelter to masturbate all over my douchebag roommates clothes?
I worry about you.
i'll fuck you during the next apocalypse. promise
he wears New Balance sneakers on a regular basis, did you really expect the sex to be more than decent?
We go out, we get drunk, we watch Star Wars, we pass out. What's wrong with this tradition?
He kept squeezing my butt and telling me how smart I was
He? As in you personified your dick?
I took multi-tasking to a new level. I just ate a plate of nachos off my lap while driving to the bar. And I barely got any on me.
I just learned in class that female whales slap their fins against the water and then ten males come and fight for her yet we can't get guys to text us back
still drunk.please come get me.he kicked me out because i couldn't stop laughing about passing out in the middle of taking his virginity.
low point of the night : a cop just busted out laughing at me.
Randomize
