You just left with that feminine looking guy you kept calling "Jessica." Just giving the heads up.
I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.
at first I thought it was funny, but looking at it now, it screams "dramatic" and "medicated wipes."
she just uttered the sweetest sentence in the english language...my stripper friends are coming over
he told me he was watching a movie and he'd be over later and i asked how long. he said 8 inches give or take. you cease to amaze me with the guys you set me up with.
Also I'd like you to set a calendar reminder that goes off every day for you to take 2 minutes to think about what your life would be like without me.
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
I had a drink called "the white nun." It tasted like Marshmallows, and celibacy.
You left your underwear in a sandwich bag on my kitchen counter.
I found your missing hash cookies. Fuck you and I'm sorry but there are only 2 left. I already had the munchies.
You're my best friend, so I'm kinda scared to say this, but.....I kinda feel odd when I show up with you at your family events and I have banged or blown at least 3 people in the room
I just found a contact in my phone named "Nick from The Party". Who's nick?
Tanner. All u drink. 10 bckaa. Locked in Porto potty outside. Constructed area. Main strrrreeeett. Fuck. Help. Pleese
I'm sorry for peeing on you last night. Will cookies make up for it?
Randomize
