You keep asking me questions like I have this magical thing called a memory
DON'T BE A PUSSY. ONLY 1/3 OF THE WORDS IN YOUR LAST TEXT WERE MISSPELLED, WHICH MEANS YOU NEED 2/3 MORE SHOTS.
i keep looking at my boobs and it just baffles me how he could give this up.
Do you think making a dress out of an "Open" flag that my friend stole from a bar, and wearing it out sends the wrong message? ....Or exactly the right message?
Pretty sure I just puked up sand. And nothing else.
Just told my boss I wasn't coming in to work because of a serious case of blue balls. Totally made having them worth it.
I bought us both waterproof cases so we can sext through FaceTime in the shower.
Next. Level. Shit.
I was just tryna bring you beer girl. I should've known you'd be shirtless though
You what they say. One dick in the hand is better than two in the bush
I literally woke up walked into the bathroom, threw up and died this morning. Then went to my 8am.
You punched me in the face while blackout. 20 min later I told you I'd been punched in the face and you yelled 'by who, imma go kill 'em!'
My one night stand ended up seeing me the next morning... For my interview. Guess who got a job.
the fact that I can still put my shoes on is a testament to the fact that I can outdrink these bros
Oh man. I threw up in the first cab. Got kicked out. Roamed somewhere for awhile. Fell asleep in the back if the second cab. Woke up in my underwear on the living room floor with a frozen pizza (thawed) laying next to me
I got dominos and had to stop whilst eating and take a moment of silence for how good it was
Randomize
