There is a bruise on my cock the size of a golfball. Bad sign.
I thought stuff was gonna go really bad after he filled the super-soaker with kerosene. but it all turned out pretty well.
they're doing drop shots of Jager into red wine. i don't want to be on that level
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
ITS A JAGER BOTTLE. NOTHING CAN BE BAD IF ITS JAGER RELATED.
Seriously, you can't give someone's wife an orgasm on the dance floor of a gay nightclub and then hang out with her husband the following week
Somehow my drug dealer is stuck in my air-vent and now everything smells like patchouli, weed, deoderant and sweat.
Do you know how hard it is to be while you're high with a chuck Norris poster in the bathroom?
but how can he casually chat with my father 8 hours after asking me if i'm a screamer
If you got me high enough to laugh at a ceiling fan until I shat my pants you should at least have the decency to buy me another pair
He was lasting forever and I couldn't take it so I faked an asthma attack
Then you're three pancakes deep in regret.
I woke up this morning with my hand on his dick. That sneaky bastard.
I honestly just wanna put my face in her tits and disappear from this plane of existence
I just lived through a real life episode of jersey shore.
Randomize
