I think I found my soulmate. This guy in front of me is yelling about getting laid while holding two beers and texting. I think this is love.
Cumbucket.....OH MY GOD THAT COMES UP AUTOMATICALLY NOW!!
LA Sucks. The only way i can get laid is if i tell people im at a law firm that represent film producers.
And when they figure it out, they act like IM shallow.
Only mom could turn an abortion day into a shopping day
Yea, remember to blow out the fire from flaming shots. Unless you want burnt lips. Just saying, I'm an example of ignorance and intoxication.
Does the blue bra belong to your sister or cousin?
Passive mediator is your role in this relationship. My role is dick punching arsonist
I walked into the kitchen and twelve of them were just staring at the oven. Freshmen are the weirdest drunks ever.
He's drinking 50/50 vodka/water out of a camelback. Disaster would be a compliment at this point.
My family will be here in an hour and I'm deciding between doing my makeup or saying fuck it and wearing what's left of last night's...
I don't understand why your family and sex lives should EVER overlap.
I had not one but two drunk coworkers text me and hit on me tonight. I feel like I've finally been accepted into my dysfunctional workplace
I just remembered that we had an in-depth conversation about how it was too stressful to wear pants.
I just masturbated to the thought of him straight up talking to me. to us having a conversation. What the hell.
HIS DICK IS GLORIOUS AND I WANT TO RIDE IT TO VALHALLA
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