all i remember thinking as i was puking my intestines out is : wow.. this toilet does look like it's from the future.
Walk of shame was bad enough, but farting with each step as I walked past his roommates was just not cosmically fair.
And he showed us your test. You wrote what is this shit and scribbled on it? Nice 3%..
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
We gave a starfish gin and Lucky Charms. I think it enjoyed it. Best trip to the beach ever.
Weekdays seemed more exciting when I had a drinking problem. Like I had something to look forward to at night.
i really care about you, respect you, another gay word, and another gay word... lets just drink
Well at least he is okay. If you call the fetal position in my living room floor "okay"...
Considering adding a large amount of vodka to my tomato cup-a-soup at work. Save me.
Your dick is going to fall off. Be careful or you'll get callouses. A workingman's dick.
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
Vasectomy results are in. No swimmers in the water. REPEAT. No swimmers in the water. Come help me harness my new found super-power
When I finally came to, I was in the DJ booth wearing his headphones while he was spinning. That's all I got.
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
You know its a good morning when you wake up with blonde hair extensions in your pocket. . .
Randomize
