The smartest thing I've heard Obama do is call Kayne West a jackass
Hey guys, just to let you know, I have a boyfriend...so that hookup was kind of a one time thing.
was that a mass text??
He is going overseas for 8 months, not only was that blowjob a going away present, but i was supporting the troops
I should take him calling me "a freak of nature" after sex as a compliment, right??
She was giving me a handjob while I was wearing a sombrero with a beer in one hand and a hammer in the other.
we should drop off a car at the police station before going out tonight so we can drive home in the morning
You need to tell him your pregnant or we need to stop playing doubles beer-pong. My liver is begging you.
It's 11am on 4/20 and I'm already in urgent care.
He thought you were kidding about me peeing on my ex...and then I was like "that was one time"
I want to sit on top of her nipple mountains and reenact the Ricola commercial.
that is either the most profound and meaningful thing i've ever heard, or someone got high before noon again.
I didn't tell that thing I wasn't coming over. Whoops
You know you haven't dated in a while when you call boys "that thing" and call dates "a boy type thing."
I know it's 10:30am but Finding Dory starts in an hour, and I have four points of molly. You down?
There is this guy in here. He didn't even get ice cream he just filled up his cup with mini marshmellows, chocolate syrup, about a lb of grahm cracker crumbs and walked around to everyone in the shop saying "hey, hey look here, I just made fucking s'mores." He was SO proud of himself.
My dad accidentally texted me asking if I had weed...
Maybe you should say yes, and you guys can like bond or something...
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