She rode me to the beat of Baby Got Back. I swear to god.
the day after is always just damage control
I was so high last night. I wrote a poem about my salt shaker
No way. Our relationship is based solely on texting and sex. A phone call would be too much at this point.
I just kept pointing at random people and telling the bartender to put it on their tab.
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
I am very happy to share that the hospital says the testicle pain is normal and that they are going to take care of it.
I wanna just rip ass and see his reaction but i bet itd be better to shatter that illusion when hes drunk
I'm high and having a granola buffet this has got to be the healthiest I have ever been
You gave me a bottle of tequila and introduced me to a ginger named cowboy. I actually love you.
I bought a mink out of the back of some guy's van on my walk home from the bar yesterday
I or someone else dumped a lot of glitter into my boobs last night.
By the way, you totally deserve "i got a job sex".
PSA. Do not shart while wearing a jock strap at work. That is all.
Went to the party dressed like a Cougar and brought a twenty something dressed as Micheal Phelps home. So far I’m loving being divorced. :-)
Randomize
