Saw a pregnant woman get a lap dance last night. I love the south.
I couldn't even finish, she was lounder and more annoying than DJ Khaled
These old people don't even realize they're giving me weed money for shoveling snow.
at first i was worried but she assured me her frail vegan body would have no chance at conception.
I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
I can't tell you details but at one point I had her pee strapped to my back in a ziploc
Marking my student's "don't do drugs" posters while simultaneously texting my dealer, is this what being a grown up is like?
In hindsight combining orgy Thursday with mystery drink madness was begging for failure
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
The guy who's car I hit last night just followed me on Twitter...not sure how to feel about it.
Apparently asking your girlfriends roommate for a hand job when u craw into the wrong bed after a bottle of rum is "bad form".
I also know you puked in your shoe.
That would explain the note .... I apparently wrote myself an apology note from drunk to sober me .... saying "sorry for the fancy shoe soup" .... ugh I'll never drink again ...
The guy I hooked up with two weeks ago just friended me on Venmo, I honestly won't be mad if he pays me for the sex
It's official cum is not a great leave in conditioner
wait he has a twin??? which one did you fuck
yes
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