Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
i voted for prop eight dipshit. more weddings = more CAKE.
GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED
I feel like half our conversations start this way.
So Delta doesn't take cash. I used my card to buy a drink and asked the attendant if she could leave it open.
She goes outside, smokes 2 cigarettes, and insists on walking up the 7 flights of stairs so that her heart stays in shape. this woman is crazy.
I wish Facebook had filters like: Ivy League school, frat boy, straight, extremely wealthy, great in bed.. I would check all of them
can you explain how you are here for one night and now my kitchen table is in 11 pieces..
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
i think i have weasels eating my brain. Also there is a skeleton staring at me from the back of the bathroom door. it's an awkward vomit. come find me please
I'm sitting in front of a fan naked drinking Gatorade. Motherfucking hangover probs
Well his arms broken so they only cuffed his good wrist to his belt. That's how he cast smacked me in custody.
doctors was a success... no liver damage and I lost five pounds.. we're celebrating tonight you get the whiskey I'll get the burritos.
ill be home in an hour. Be in my bed ready for disappointment
We sat at the bar and made fun of everyone around us. I'm in love
thanks for passing me through your vagina 20 years ago today. your the best
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