Far right against the wall..hiding come find me. dont tell oyhers hahaha
I love you and miss you, which in no way dimishes how much I hate the person you turned out to be, but I still love and miss you.
I'm so fucking pissed that I wasted my shooting star wish on him and his little penis.
Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
surprisingly enough, it isn't that uncomfortable to have sex with a heart monitor on
I woke up next to him fully clothed but my thong was around his neck. Polling to decide if we had sex or not starts now.
Maybe before the beach I should get a tracking chip in my arm.
He made me brush his hair afterwards because it made him feel like a ken Barbie.
God I hope the sex was good.
New reason to drink: alcohol makes soda taste like goddamn gold.
VAL. THIS MOTHERFUCKER IS LAYING IN MY BED WEARING A CAT SHIRT, VAL. COME SAVE ME, VAL.
i took a magical journey through the park for about two hours. it was amazing and everything was fantastical. i have been informed someone babysat me through that shit.
A stoners worse nightmare? Well packaged snacks. Just took me 5 mins to get a cinnamon roll out of the package. And another 3 mins to properly type this text
Every FB picture she has looks like it's from the POV of the guy she's blowing
A hefty woman and I mean hefty shoved her number in my pocket at the gym without as much as a hello, winked and kept walking. Going to use your bed to defile her, don't want her to know where I live or have my neighbors see! Thanks, you're a pal!
i ran into the Jo the housecleaner earlier this morning. i mentioned i had a little hangover and she asked what the occasion was.. i replied "Tuesday" without thinking. she judged the shit out of me.
Randomize
