and that's when the elephants and penises started dancing on the ceiling
I need a $60 an hour job, because I have a $50 an hour drinking habit.
i wasn't about to bring her gummy handcuffs to her father's funeral
He's had mdma poured down his throat. He's getting huggy.
You passed out while holding my hair during a blow job.. i think your gona have to earn back blow jobs
Being home sucks. I haven't drank in like a week. Or smoked cigs. Or done drugs. Or had sex. My body is shutting down.
Omg. It's like you're one of those deprived kids living in a third world country. We need to save you.
He walked door to door asking if anyone needed to get laid. Surprisingly, that ended his drought
I'm pretty sure I did the Macarena with a gay guy while shot gunning a beer
According to him, i kept saying "I'm belligerent as SHIT" and tried to run around the house in just my bra and underwear. Thats when they decided to carry me to the car and take me home.
For our final psych experiment, we're conditioning Tim to hump the nearest inanimate object and/or person every time he hears a Ke$ha song
I know more about this girls vagina than I know about her personality
Why is it that when I sustain a serious injury people are more concerned with my level of inebriation than my personal safety?
I'm never going to adult. I'm staying a child. The only thing related to adult that I want to do is you.
just ran into my father at CVS while buying condoms...he winked at me. I really need to move out of this town.
had to remind myself that killing him is not a good career move AGAIN.
Randomize
