feel weird hangin out with you now that i've eaten your sister out
We had to use the stains on Phil's shirt to try to piece together what happened last night.
i opened her purse and found 4 bottles of vodka tampons and an unopened box of birth control...
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
drunk taco night MLK would want it this way.
The countdown is at hand. We are 15 days from so much Jameson that names will be forgotten. Prepare your liver now or severe projectile vomiting will be the theme of the night.
The picture that pops up when I call her phone is a picture of my nipple. Just so you're forewarned.
How are you going to come here and fuck on our couch ? That's everyones couch
I will keep you posted and someday if we daydrink teach you how to do a footjob
I don't care how much you're grieving a loss, masturbating off the side of a roof is not acceptable mourning behavior.
You're lucky you got out when you did, about an hour later the girl in the Franzia box started wrestling everyone.
Sometimes you just have to have sex for a Netflix password.
He pulled a bucket of fried chicken out of his backpack as a peace offering. Under the chicken was a rainbow bag of weed. We're dating again.
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
Thanks for going with me today. It’s been a long time since I bought bra and panties because of a guy
It’s called “shopping for lingerie” and it’s one of the many exciting and sexy things that follow a divorce, along with sexting, sleepovers, and orgasms
But, our next lesson is picking up a younger guys at the bar!
Randomize
