my dentist asked me why my tooth was chipped, i told him i couldn't remember. i think he understands.
Confidence margaritas not a good idea. Just said foreskin in my presentation instead of foresight.
All she said to me last night is that when her eyes roll back, to release my choke hold.
The last thing I remember was doing a line in the shape of Texas
Im organizing a group to help fondle my shoe. Too many shots dude. Too many.
How bad is it that I'm banned from all of your family functions due to sleeping w/ both your brother and sister and they both hate me for pursing a relationship with either of them.
Is the party worth it?
I am drink. Beer pony and singing.
Strange request but for my birthday you should get me one of those vibrators that you can plug into your iPod that go along with the music.
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
I think he's like 40 and maybe a little sociopathetic and i have never been so turned on
Another text to add to the intervention pile, i see
Well if your hearts not big enough, your penis certainly is. Just have a threesome
idk i was trying to watch Fuller House and you got up out of a dead sleep, just in your boxers, said "no more Dave Coulier" and walked out to the living room and unplugged the router
You know it's time to call it a night when every guy in the bar (all 3 of them) have seen you naked at one time or another.
A real best friend would support the hoe in me. Not remind me of what happened the last time I slept with a boss
Damn that sucks I haven't needed pants the whole time i've been here
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