Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
Is a box of franzia too insincere of a gift for "i'm sorry I backed into your toddler with my car"?
I understand that I gave you a nose bleed with a cheeto last night and for that I apologize
She kept chasing him yelling thief, because he drank some of her drink. That was at 8, it got worse.
He said I was almost as good as the wheel chair sex he had the night before. Apparently I just cant compete with 4 wheels
I'm like the kid who wants his birthday and christmas equally. Every time I get one I want the other. Only I don't want holidays I want brothers
Just saw a tranny in a skimpy captain america costume walking around campus. Going to follow her. You gotta see this
he just looked at me, said "i think i'll keep you around, you put the seat back up and everything," and then burst into tears.
Tell me about it I woke up on your couch with only my underwear on and a 26 year old wrapped around me. I thought my thirties would be different.
Why didn't you tell me I was calling her by her sisters name all night?
Just had ice cream and a blow job come together in one glorious, defining moment.
Hold on... Are we having an intellectual conversation about porn?
Yup
I love us.
Why is there a slipper full of piss in my bedroom?
I accidentally sent my dad a very explicit Star Wars fanfiction and he replied with "That was great!"
you ripped my door off of the hinges, kicked it in half and then proceeded to throw it down the stairs because i wouldn't make you a cheese burger
Randomize
