I hope you're ready because I look like an elf on crack had a baby in the medieval era and that baby grew up to be a whore
Last night i was gna tell u about how i was watching project runway & how i was upset bc they replaced tim gunn & heidi klum. but then i realized that i was watching mythbusters.
True life - we need to smoke together more often
So my graduate coordinator is possible gay man. I may have just found the easiest way to a degree ever.
Good plan b, put your number on all your forms. Hello gamefull employment.
Take that integrity
Sorry for feeding you peanuts last night while you were sleeping, you looked hungry.
Be careful. Don't drive if your body turns into a caterpillar again.
I can't wait for paintbang. I'm going to throw a marker at a child. There will be bail money in my backpack in m trunk. Don't use it on beer.
I just took a shower and found half a cookie melted under my boob. Please tell me there's a reason
Confidence is key. All I had to tell him is I'm drinking a bottle of wine and eating chocolate today to celebrate that I love myself. That's how you get a Valentine, my friend.
Why is it every time you ask me what I'm doing, I'm at a police station?
I'm not sure why, but my salad smells like a Big Mac. Or maybe that's just the smell of yesterday's, seeping through my skin.
On your day off do you wanna get wine drunk and take a few episodes of Jerry Springer way too seriously with me?
She invited us over for cocaine and donuts
It might be the most honest thing I've ever said. ...or I've had 3 vodka tonics.
i woke up between my boyfriend and his sister and i don't know if we fucked or cried together
He asked the waiter, at 6:40 am, drunk, if they served alcohol. After he said no, he's like 'well, I guess we can eat then.'
Randomize
