I would like to feed your fingertips to the wolverines.
i can smell the iron from margo's period blood from across the table.
god is playing jersey shore on new years on purpose. he wants me to play drinking games and die. i wish he knew how serious this is.
No its cool I don't even have to do anything he is rapping to one of the strippers. He is punishing himself enough.
I have a beer in one hand and a slim fast in another. It's another one of those wednesday nights.
some girl just asked me if I was that guy that hooked up with nine girls in one night. officially a local celebrity. gonna try and autograph her boobs.
Based on your 5AM twitter activity I gather you found MORE FREE COKE??
Yeah man... I ordered donuts, drank wine, and cried to a movie with Seth Rogen in it. Do you really think I have my shit together?
If I do nothing else today, the fact that I talked you into this is achievement in itself.
I started screaming "MY PARENTS ARE MORMON" at a stranger and promptly proceeded to run into a wall. How do you think it went?
I've officially dedicated my newly single life to making myself squirt.
you left your anal beads in the dishwasher
Now i know i wasnt that drunk... So why are there texts of me volunteering for a nude photo shoot for an art major student?
Greattt I just sexted my dad trying to write u back
If I'm getting through this pandemic I'm doing it drunk.
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