and that's when the elephants and penises started dancing on the ceiling
Just saw a field sobriety test being administered at 730 am, I now know I do not have a drinking problem
I had to do a class evaluation today & the girl beside me didn't fill in any bubbles she just wrote in huge letters RETIRE across the whole sheet
So I have the hangover from hell, spent all night puking, and there's a septic tank truck parked outside the house literally pumping shit. You win God.
Either you made a spaghetti vodka smoothie last night, or you puked in the blender.
im afraid if i stop breathing i will turn into a porcupine
No, we talked about it. They're cool with me living here as long as I sleep with them both.
You're a rent hooker.
She's trying to figure out what kind of dinosaur I am... Yay codeine.
Let me begin to explain the rest of last night by beginning with saying that out if necessity I took a pair of your underwear
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
Yeah when I texted her last night the only response I got was "stoned eating cobbler."
He's a psychology major, so instead of becoming a stripper, I'm just working out my daddy issues with him. And his cock. And spankings.
They're much more educational now btw. Don't judge.
I sent him a tex saying, "I thought my intentions were clear" drunk me has some balls.
It may be a corded vibrator from the 90s but it gets the job DONE
Must lick fork, like it's a DICK
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