apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
Last night, you attempted to motor boat my vagina then proceeded to blow raspberries on it. Don't ever do that again.
you passed out on the bathroom floor with the door locked. we had to break in and no one was sober enough to move you so they just threw a towel on you and stepped over you
WHY are the edges of my bra charred???
I drunkenly asked a stripper to join our volleyball team.
After we were finished she said "That was like marriage sex". Should I take that as a compliment or insult?
We just reached that moment of the night when you start making cookie quesadillas. Party on Wayne
We lost a condom inside me, I had to fish it out. The next day he gave me a Gone Fishin' bumper sticker. True love at its finest.
Reason # 294827284949272 i could never be a cop. I would just shoot. All the time. Ppl. Animals. Inanimate objects. Air.
We duck taped Dave to a rolling chair and shoved him in the bed of the truck then took off for a bit.. We didn't explain it that way when the nurse asked what happened though.
Have you ever got so drunk that you tasted the future?
I think I just figured out how to make weed tea in the coffeemaker.
I CLEANED MY BATHROOM FOR YOU!! betrayal
as a side note pls kill me
he asked me for a magic BJ...is that supposed to be different from a normal BJ?
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