And when I look at him, I just want him to say "I love you" in between deep thrusts and hard grunts.
Just spent 45mins blow drying a joint i dropped in a beer....i felt like i dropped his infant child....
: am i supposed to send the mass text 'merry christmas!' to my booty calls too?
you went around the entire night in your french maid costume dusting off the "cob webs" on everyone's crotch saying "you havent gotten any action in a while"
I was wondering why i got so many friend requests the next day...
We're the kind of people who ruin family vacations
New drinking game: take a shot everytime Jay-Z is played during the NFL draft.
Still drunk just puked in the meat cooler tried to clean it up with ham. Its not working
you're not a real person. you're actually just like a box of wine that can talk
In line at the grocery store. The girl ahead of me is in a wetsuit and just bought 3 cases of beer and a bottle of vodka. I want to go where she's going...
Apparently he took me home and I pulled up my senior pictures on fbook and made him guess what I was thinking during each different pose.
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
Is it okay to thank someone for the orgasms they gave you, even though they weren't with you?
I just licked a piece of cheese off my phone screen if that makes you feel any better
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
Randomize
